In case Simon dies, I have a plan.
Over the past couple weeks my husband, Simon, and I have been back in England trying to get his father sorted out. Using the term ‘sorted out’ doesn’t accurately convey the weight of the situation. People are not there to be ‘sorted out’ but I think you’ll get the gist of what I mean.
When we arrived for the holiday season we found him in his flat with a few month’s worths of pizza boxes on the floor, no food in the fridge, freezer or cupboard and the car was missing. By the time we left (yesterday) he was in good spirits, the pantries were stocked, a carer had been found and his future looked slightly brighter.
Simon’s dad, Keith, is lonely.
He also thinks that the only way for him to be happy is for us to be with him. Us being Simon, Sienna and me. Keith has given up his power to take responsibility for his happiness. He doesn’t have dementia, he’s not crippled…he’s just not motivated to care about himself.
I get it. In fact, I’m scared about how much I get it.
Today Simon and I are finding ways and means to ensure that Keith is taken care of. Tomorrow it might just be one of us that is sitting in a flat wasting our days away watching television and ordering the latest Pizza Hut meal deal.
But then I turn my focus to my grandparents. My grandpa just passed away at the age of 95. Grandma is still going strong. When my grandparents were in their 70’s they were still volunteering, had a massive social life and got out and lived. They also knew that they were heading for the winter of their lives. They sold their home, got a townhouse within a senior community and knew that as and when they needed more assistance they could get medical visits and eventually move into the community home.
Grandpa mostly kept to himself but ate dinner at the community hall.
He was a hit with the ladies as there weren’t many men around. Grandma got involved in classes, meeting up with other women and keeping busy. They were fortunate. They both had each other. And they both had a community of friends and family around them. And thankfully, Grandma still has that community around her.
Due to recent experiences in my life, I can’t but help think that it’s a flat out necessity to grow older with friends. And I don’t mean friends that call once a week and see once a year. I mean friends that are like-minded, have similar interests and want to help make your life fulfilling because you’re interested in doing the same – in person!
I hope Simon doesn’t die any time soon.
In fact, I hope I go first (but not anytime soon either!). Ideally, I’d like to go two minutes before Simon and while I’m making a note, I want it to be pain-free, please. But what if he does go? What will my future be like?
I don’t want to be like Keith but I also don’t want to totally depend on Simon being there for me, like my grandparents were, because that’s not in my control.
Let me side-step just a wee bit.
Back when we lived on land we had very good friends but we didn’t see them too often. Maybe once a week but it was more like every couple weeks. And we didn’t have any sense of community where we lived. We didn’t know our neighbors. Life was more about working, getting Sienna to where she needed to be, keeping the house up and then watching TV to relax.
Contrast that with boat life and the difference is incredible. If you’ve been reading my blog for several years you’ll know that I joke about the boating community being a commune that’s not a commune. Every day I see several friends. Almost every evening I sit down with boat neighbors for sundowners and have a laugh about the day’s events. When I have a drama, people come to help. When they have drama, I/we reciprocate.
When I can’t bear another day of doing homeschooling, a friend will say, ‘let me have Sienna over for schooling today.’ When we’re working hard all day and we’re tired a boat buddy will call on the VHF and say, come over for dinner. And on and on it goes.
Before I lived on a boat I didn’t know what community was.
Or perhaps I had an idea but I never experienced the feeling you feel when you know your neighbor has your back. Even when I don’t know who my neighbor is I can say with almost certainty that he/she will, indeed, have my back. And I will have theirs.
With my experiences of land life and boating life I now know the difference between being a couple that is rather secluded and being a couple within a community. I now know that we need to set up our future to keep that community element.
So…if Simon does go sooner rather than later my plan is to find a hot, sexy, wealthy Captain that is already a part of the boaties community. If that doesn’t work I might just have to learn how to sail our boat. Hehehehehe.
Ironically, I came across this…
On the plane home yesterday I read an article in a magazine I picked up in Gatwick, London. Lucky for me I didn’t really look at what the magazine was. The best way for me to describe it was that it was a self-help/inspirational/forward-thinking/woman-led magazine for paper lovers. I kid you not…PAPER LOVERS.
Talk about a very defined audience. It gives me hope that my niche of helping people that want to be bluewater cruisers isn’t too narrow!
Anyway…I’ve always been a stationery freak.
If I see a Staples or Office Depot I’ll have to go in and I’ll spend hours looking at pens, paper and anything else that’s colorful. And when I see journals or homemade writing tablets…or leather-bound lined paper I just love them. And yes, I’m a book fanatic. I like to smell them!
So…I would have never picked up this book, as I never considered myself a paper lover, but I did. And now I realize I am actually a PAPER LOVER. And it was a joy to read, feel and smell. There were all sorts of lovely types of paper, beautiful illustrations, different fonts, and even a wonderful free notebook. (That’s probably why I bought it! I can’t refuse a free notebook!)
In the magazine, there was an article about a new trend that I just couldn’t believe – at first.
Apparently more and more people in their late 40’s and early 50’s are making future living arrangements that are communal based.
The article mentioned groups of friends putting in money to buy a plot of land and/or build a house or renovate a property that allows for private rooms with shared kitchens and community areas like outdoor patios, large living rooms, and dens. Some are coming up with plans to have a fully functioning apartment but within an area where the other tenants are all friends.
Now obviously you really need to like the friends you choose.
You’ll also need to know that you’d be happy living with them/near them. But think of the advantages! If you get sick or need help or just want to be with someone you have it. And you, in return, can be there for others. You don’t have to cook dinner every night. I’m sure you can imagine the benefits. There’s a purpose, there’s love…there’s friendship.
And if you plan your commune correctly you can get some older and younger friends so that you’re covered for life.
When I read various papers or hear the news there’s so much there about mental illness, loneliness, and depression. And it’s not just the elderly. It seems like it’s everyone! Is it because we’re all on phones, hidden behind walls watching our big 70” TV? Is it because we’ve never really been too social or into a community? Perhaps we don’t know how amazing they can be? Or maybe we just haven’t thought that much about how to ensure our future happiness?!
So my article to end 2019 will hopefully get you to think about 2020 and beyond.
What are you going to put in place to make sure Pizza Hut is not your number one on speed dial? If you can get into the bluewater cruising community then I can’t say more about it…but if that’s not possible, what other options are out there?
Lastly, if you’re a handsome, wealthy Captain please drop me your name and number. If Simon croaks I’ll get in touch.
Happy New Year. May 2020 be the best year for you yet.
P.S. Today is Simon and my 21st wedding anniversary. Woo woo! Hopefully, there will be many more 🙂
Thanks for posting this article. Been thinking about it myself for a couple years – Where do I really want to live?! Sounds good for the community thing, seeing I’m a people person! Hoping to meet up with my cousin soon, as he just set sail for Cuba and hoping to meet up with him in Miami when he’s back to the states in a couple weeks then sail to the Bahamas! Will you be there anytime soon?
Always enjoy your blogs. May all three of you stay alive, happy, healthy, afloat and enjoy 2020!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Cheers
Hey Shirl, Thank you for your comments. We’re going to head north this year but it’s unlikely we’ll go further than the BVI. The Bahamas are amazing – one of my most favorite places. Enjoy your time with your cousin 🙂 Smiles, Kim
Happy Anniversary! Wishing you many more happy years together.
Thank you Lona. Smiles, Kim
Kim,
Hopefully you and Simon will still have a long way to go in years.
If I was 30 years younger. I would be your handsom wealthy captain.
I wish you both a long lasting healthy life and a Happy New Year!!
Joe
Thank you Joe! Smiles, Kim
Many Happy Wedding Returns to both of you,
I’m Eric 69 and a quarter, an avid reader of your wonderful travels. If envy is a bad thing I’m heading for hell.
Ironically I help families have ‘The Big Conversation’ loosely This is related to discussing with families about popping their clogs, or falling off their perch sooner than expected and the mayhem that follows afterwards. No I am not a funeral director, chuckle.
To be absolutely correct I meet more pet owners who are mega concerned what will happen to their pets if they they die first, It was a sea dog reference that made my ears prick up. Sorry Skipper. Your ship mate has concerns.
I also just happen to be an ex psychiatric nurse, so before you fasten the anchor warp around your ankles and disappear into the deep blue yonder. I thought it would be a kindly thing to mention that I too have suffered the parent insanity syndrome and came out the other side a bit more schizophrenic than when I entered, but I did come out, not in the pink way you understand.
Any way my hearties one more notch on the wedding bed post. May I wish you a good and resolvable 2020 and naturally, safe adventures.
Happy New Year.
Thank you for your comments Eric! Sounds like you have a colorful life 🙂 Thank you for sharing. Big smiles, Kim
Brilliant Kim
Thank you Andy 🙂
Hi reading this in the last hour of this decade I find your article both moving and actually worrying. I would just like to say that I’ve experienced issues with elderly parents and my mother dying at the age of 54 so I do feel that I know what I’m talking about.
My kids have made some amazing friends during their schooling’ days and johnand I now have the privilege of many dear friends as a result . These are spread around the world and we have been fortunate enough to enjoy their company in their own home’s.
Having experienced my first serious health issues at the age of 62 which hopefully will be sorted next week enjoy your time together. Life is about love and enjoyment. Kids make us younger. Look forward to your grand children together.
Hey Caroline. It’s lovely to hear from you. I hope you get your health issues sorted out quickly and move on to a wonderful new year. Thank you for sharing. Big smiles, Kim
Thanks for the oversight on matters that’s easily overlooked when thing’s are smooth sailing. untill, sudden corners catches us unawares.
Often, sudden events occur in life without warning, and sign’s.
and this happened to me for a few years. but story short, it had been a battle and mindset adjustments, but, I’m ok now.
As you mentioned. communal living….
Mmmm…yeah… I suppose there’s great plus in it, to all what you’ve mentioned but, there is also the ? in it. due to many things…namely
Likes, dislikes, personality, preferances, ideas and so forth……etc..
What’s suprisiing is the fact, that you might know someone for years Until… something happens…. Then!!!! then sudden surprise struck.
Yeah…. but for now, I do value and appreciate your views and informations to the ideas yet still I kinda hold back that reservation in a slight %.. but in all.. great info…
Great to your family….
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Tere. I suppose there’s no perfect answer but options to think about. Like anything I’m sure there’s a spectrum where one can end up being too alone and on the other hand too social. It’s feeling our way to what’s going to work best for each of us. Take care! Kim
Happy New Year!
you too Dan!
Thank you for sharing and the insight. Hopefully Simon will go a looong way; just two minutes short of you!
Very best wishes for the 2020’s decade !
Thank you for your comments Luis 🙂 Big smiles, Kim
Happy 21st Kim and Simon ..!
What a New Years – good plan, kind of makes every New Years Eve special huh ..!
– Captain WealthyImNot
Thanks for commenting Brian! Big smiles, Kim
I know wen my Dad pust in 13/7/1985 the bluewater cruising community cam-out to say goodbye to him he is in the dep now with mum 5/71990 they love the sea that way I love it too I will be with them someday too. I love the cruising community. It not like land love.
Thank you for sharing Lee. Yes, the cruising community is amazing. Smiles, Kim
Hi Kim,
Quite a thought provoking read, as my wife and I have elderly parents (her, mom n dad 89& 90, in an assisted living home. Me, just my mom,87 living alone with her dog on the family farm). This takes up spare time helping out, and just being there for them.
This has prompted us to look at our lives. We don’t want become a burden to our kids who both have moved from Illinois to Colorado. We have a small farm of 8.5 acres connected to my mom’s farm of 37 acres. We raised organic grassfed Angus beef prety much all my life (57 yrs), way before it was cool. We gave up the cattle 3 yrs ago. It just was too hard to run my carpentry business,
run the farm, and be able to get away to go see my
Kids and grandson. Once you have some acreage it’s hard to downsize. We haven’t got it figured out. We’d like to move to Colorado, but due to real estate trends we’d have to just about give our place away in Illinois and buy a little place in Colorado because the prices there have skyrocketed. Also this would have to be after our parents passed. 🙁
I have thought about cruising for quite some time, ialways watch a YouTube of the many cruisers each day at breakfast. In the back of head I’ve long thought, or dreamed about just building a catamaran as I know I couldn’t afford to purchase one. I really have no doubt in my mind that I could do it. I have been a carpenter/ remodeler for over 30 yrs and have electrical, plumbing painting, welding etc skills and have been blessed with the ability to build and or fix just about everything, and drive/ operate many types of equipment. (Still haven’t figured out how all that has happened yet).
So as for now I’m just an armchair Captain learning a little bit more about boats and cruising every day.
Enjoyed the read.
Happy New Year, and Happy Anniversary!!!
Jeff ✌
Hey Jeff, Thank you for sharing your position with me. Throughout our cruising life there’s been a couple of things that cruisers worry most about. One is aging parents and the other is baby grandkids. It’s not just cruisers that have these issues. Nowadays everyone is moving all over the place so families are spread apart. When deaths and births happen it’s not as easy to be around…and of course, there’s the lead up to the milestone that’s just as important. And then there are our dreams… seems like everything is pulling us in different directions. Regarding building a boat…I didn’t know this before but you can buy designs from boat architects and then find a boatyard to build your own boat. The designers often allow for using a variety of materials and there’s various options you can choose from to make the boat your own. Have you looked over some designs? What a fun project it would be to build a boat from scratch…Have you read Joshua Slocum’s ‘Sailing Around The World Alone’? He didn’t build a boat from scratch but he took a very old one and made it float. I found it fascinating to hear about the wood he chose due to its properties and how he managed to take something that was trash and turn it into a floating home. Anyway…thank you for sharing. I hope you find a path forward that’s fulfilling, exciting and ticks all your boxes 🙂 Kim
Sounds an interesting read. Can you share the magazine name or better still a picture! last year I found out that my wonderful husband of 30 plus years has terminal cancer and so your article hit a nerve. I feel guilty about imagining a life without him while he is still here, but I think it is so necessary. I don’t plan for Pizza Hut and know my community of friends will help see me through, but I know it will be lonely at times. Wishing you a happy 2020. Anna x
Anna, I’m so sorry to hear the news about your husband. I send you strength and love! Knowing what’s to come and having a support base will help to see you through…but gosh, what a difficult position! The magazine is called FLOW. You’ll find it at WH Smith’s along with the self-help, spirituality style magazines. Over the last couple of years of visiting the UK I’ve seen this section increase. I find it better than looking at fashion or hearing about what the royalty is up to 🙂 Take care Anna. Big love, Kim
happy new year, congratulations on your wedding day and – enjoy the time. together, with your ship, with the sailing community in real and virtual life. hope to meet you this year in Le Phare Bleu.
All the best, Karl / SV Maia too
Hey Karl! This message comes to you from Le Phare Bleu 😉 We’re just about to do a day charter and then tomorrow we head for Martinique to stock up on some lovely French food. We’ll be back in Grenada in a couple of weeks. Thank you for the message. Happy New Year! Kim
Happy anniversary, it is our 40th on New Year’s Eve. Great read, exactualy the same situation with Jennifer’s parents not being active and watching tv all day and going to the same local restaurant every night. Jennifer and I watched a TED talk last night on how to not get altimers, it basically said to keep learning new things and your brain will grow extra synopses. Safe travels back to the boat. Happy new year, Jon
Happy Anniversary – 40 years is wonderful! You guys have some much life in you that you’ll be going until you’re 100 (at least)! I agree with the TED talk…we all have to LIVE…not sit around and watch TV or allow the news to scare us into becoming sedentary. We need to get out, learn new things, meet new people and make the most of the time we have on this most amazingly beautiful planet. Hopefully, we’ll see you both again soon?! Big love, Kim
Happy New Year to you all. Good to hear everything is going well and your headed back to your boat. We all hope for a better year in 2020.
Terry
Thank you for your lovely comments, Terry. Yes – 2020 is going to be a great year. Filled with lots of fun, laughter, good times and opportunities to make lasting memories. I wish you the best Terry. Big smiles, Kim
Thought provoking –
I’m a 62 yr old man looking at a “gray divorce” and planning for retirement. I am totally OK being alone, but I am concerned about (amazingly) loneliness and getting “too much” into a very small and shrinking world of my own.
Obviously, since I couldn’t make a community of 2 work (marriage) the thought of communal living seems impossible to pull off (and scary). But it’s also nice to be known and accepted and have someone to talk to (and cares about you).
I will likely move to a boat for retirement so I can change the scenery when I want. Here’s hoping that the cruising community is really out there (as I barley know my neighbors now).
I think you’ll be shocked by the cruising community Mark. It’s as if you have your own life, your own space but if you want to be social there’s absolutely no barrier to entry. You don’t have to worry about introducing yourself…you just show up on the beach or dock for sundowners and you instantly have friends. Best wishes with your plans. Kim
Happy New Year, Kim and Simon (and Sienna!). Happy anniversary too!
Verona
SV Rainbow in Nova Scotia
Thank you Verona – you too! Kim
Hey Kim, I just started watching your channel from the start, my fella has been watching your videos for a while, mainly Simons how to’s. Anyways we’ve wanted to be liveaboards for almost 20 years and now hopefully our dream will come true. we’ve sold the house. We will be seriously boat hunting soon. I just wanted to say out of the 100’s of channels we watch – its you I relate to the most. I love your sincerity and we’re similar ages too. My fella is 12 years older than me and I sometimes wonder what I will do when that dreaded day comes and well.. I might see if there are any like minded people to come and join me sailing in my home/boat. Hope to catch up with you and your family one day. Keep bringing your amazing content. I love it!! We love it!! Happy Belated New Year and wedding anniversary!
Thank you for the comments Jo – perhaps it might be you and I sailing together one day?! Enjoy the journey and we’ll enjoy a sundowner with you soon. Big smiles, Kim